Cheese people news W/C 1st October 2007
- By Charlie Cheshire
- Published Monday 1st 2007
Charlie Cheshire
I am the editor of the Wensleydale Gazette. I am 35 yrs old, married to Christine and have a daughter called Carly. I live in Wensleydale Well.
Monday 1st October 2007.
The expected delivery of fruit,
due at 4 o’clock in Port Salute,
will be 2 hrs late.
The seas are very rough,
the boat’s crew have had enough,
so I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.
The ship is now due at six,
as long as they can fix,
the leak that the ship has in its side.
Water’s pouring into the boat,
it’s only just staying afloat,
luckily today’s a low tide.
Tuesday. 2nd October 2007.
The Stilton hotel is launching its new menu of winter foods,
It has been specially designed to cater for all your moods.
There’s savoury salad if your feeling sad,
mustard meatballs if you’re a little mad,
and a special lunch you can eat with your mother.
There’s bangers and mash if you have to dash,
organic fruit if you have a rash,
and boiled brussel sprouts to share with your brother.
Wednesday. 3rd October 2007.
Yesterday at the Stilton hotel,
the launch of their new menu went very well.
They had over 600 people for lunch and dinner,
and the new menu was a total winner.
An update on Monday’s boat that was late.
It eventually arrived in the dock, at 7 o’clock,
nearly half full of smelly water.
All the crew, have gone down with flu,
and 7,000 bananas have been taken to slaughter.
An accident on the C24, going into the Village of Roquefort.
I suggest you avoid this road,
until they clear away the load,
and take the C36 instead.
Nobody’s badly hurt,
but there’s a lot of mess and dirt ,
and one driver has hurt his head.
Bobby Blue of the Wensleydale Police said,
“It’s very lucky that nobody’s dead.
Both vehicles were travelling too fast,
this accident won’t be the last.
It’s a very dangerous stretch of road,
and one of the lorries was carrying a big load.
It looks like one lorry was overtaking,
whilst the other one was braking,
and it skidded into some rocks.
Dangerous driving is unacceptable in the Vale,
one of these drivers may go to jail,
we’ll know more from the lorry’s black box”.
Thursday. 4th October 2007.
An update on the crew taken ill will flu.
At this moment in time, all the crew seem fine,
however two of them are in hospital under observation.
What’s wrong we don’t know,
they both have red spots on each toe,
and they’re running to the toilet with constipation.
An update on the accident on the C24.
The lorries black box has been tested,
and one of the drivers has been arrested,
he was overtaking across a double white line.
It’s a very serious offence,
he can spent 5 years behind a prison fence,
or face a minimum of a £10,000 fine.
The other driver seems OK,
and will be released later today,
but it will be six months before he’s able to drive a lorry.
And earlier this afternoon,
he received a note to his room,
from the arrested driver, saying he was sorry.
But he’s still trembling with fear,
can’t sleep because of the screeching tyres he can hear,
and he’s currently unable to walk.
He’s not eaten for 24 hours,
throws up at the smell of fresh flowers,
and we’re very worried that he may not be able to talk.
A statement from Ted Leicester of Wensleydale’s Council. The Cheese Board.
“Today I am pleased to announce the launch of a road safety campaign in the Vale,
and I am personally going to be managing it, to make sure that it doesn’t fail.”
“New speed limits throughout the Vale are to be introduced,
every year all driving documents will need to be produced,
and every vehicle will need a permit, to drive in the Vale.
On certain roads you’ll not be allowed to overtake,
every 4 hours drivers will have to take a break,
and people will be encouraged to travel by rail.”
Friday. 5th October 2007
Campaign for save the Bananas.
On Wednesday 7,000 rotten bananas were slaughtered!
Patrick Pickle has reported the Vale to the European Community Of Cheese,
He’s complaining about the 7,000 bananas who nearly drowned on the ‘salty seas’.
The ECOC are investigating this report,
following several pictures they’ve received.
They know that Patrick hates the Cheese People,
and so are not sure if he can be believed.
So they’re investigating this possible complaint,
to find out what happened on the water.
They’re very concerned with what they’ve heard,
about a possible Banana slaughter.
Hospital crew get released.
The 2 crew with flu,
have stopped going to the loo,
and went home earlier today.
They’ve totally recovered,
have gone home to be mothered,
and have 2 weeks off, on full pay!
Lorry driver arrested goes to court.
The lorry driver arrested for dangerous driving will be sentenced later today.
He’s looking shocked and pale,
at the thought of going to jail,
and his solicitor said he was full of regret.
But if you overtake on a white line,
and commit such a crime,
then this is what you have to expect.
When we get to the court,
we’ll have a full report,
and update you on all the events.
Outside there’s a big crowd,
shouting quite loud,
and things are going to be tense!
Update 1 PM Friday.
We have just had this report,
in from the court,
where you can still hear the sound of loud cheers.
He’s been given a £2,000 fine,
40 hours community time,
and banned from driving lorries for 3 years.
The expected delivery of fruit,
due at 4 o’clock in Port Salute,
will be 2 hrs late.
The seas are very rough,
the boat’s crew have had enough,
so I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.
The ship is now due at six,
as long as they can fix,
the leak that the ship has in its side.
Water’s pouring into the boat,
it’s only just staying afloat,
luckily today’s a low tide.
Tuesday. 2nd October 2007.
The Stilton hotel is launching its new menu of winter foods,
It has been specially designed to cater for all your moods.
There’s savoury salad if your feeling sad,
mustard meatballs if you’re a little mad,
and a special lunch you can eat with your mother.
There’s bangers and mash if you have to dash,
organic fruit if you have a rash,
and boiled brussel sprouts to share with your brother.
Wednesday. 3rd October 2007.
Yesterday at the Stilton hotel,
the launch of their new menu went very well.
They had over 600 people for lunch and dinner,
and the new menu was a total winner.
An update on Monday’s boat that was late.
It eventually arrived in the dock, at 7 o’clock,
nearly half full of smelly water.
All the crew, have gone down with flu,
and 7,000 bananas have been taken to slaughter.
An accident on the C24, going into the Village of Roquefort.
I suggest you avoid this road,
until they clear away the load,
and take the C36 instead.
Nobody’s badly hurt,
but there’s a lot of mess and dirt ,
and one driver has hurt his head.
Bobby Blue of the Wensleydale Police said,
“It’s very lucky that nobody’s dead.
Both vehicles were travelling too fast,
this accident won’t be the last.
It’s a very dangerous stretch of road,
and one of the lorries was carrying a big load.
It looks like one lorry was overtaking,
whilst the other one was braking,
and it skidded into some rocks.
Dangerous driving is unacceptable in the Vale,
one of these drivers may go to jail,
we’ll know more from the lorry’s black box”.
Thursday. 4th October 2007.
An update on the crew taken ill will flu.
At this moment in time, all the crew seem fine,
however two of them are in hospital under observation.
What’s wrong we don’t know,
they both have red spots on each toe,
and they’re running to the toilet with constipation.
An update on the accident on the C24.
The lorries black box has been tested,
and one of the drivers has been arrested,
he was overtaking across a double white line.
It’s a very serious offence,
he can spent 5 years behind a prison fence,
or face a minimum of a £10,000 fine.
The other driver seems OK,
and will be released later today,
but it will be six months before he’s able to drive a lorry.
And earlier this afternoon,
he received a note to his room,
from the arrested driver, saying he was sorry.
But he’s still trembling with fear,
can’t sleep because of the screeching tyres he can hear,
and he’s currently unable to walk.
He’s not eaten for 24 hours,
throws up at the smell of fresh flowers,
and we’re very worried that he may not be able to talk.
A statement from Ted Leicester of Wensleydale’s Council. The Cheese Board.
“Today I am pleased to announce the launch of a road safety campaign in the Vale,
and I am personally going to be managing it, to make sure that it doesn’t fail.”
“New speed limits throughout the Vale are to be introduced,
every year all driving documents will need to be produced,
and every vehicle will need a permit, to drive in the Vale.
On certain roads you’ll not be allowed to overtake,
every 4 hours drivers will have to take a break,
and people will be encouraged to travel by rail.”
Friday. 5th October 2007
Campaign for save the Bananas.
On Wednesday 7,000 rotten bananas were slaughtered!
Patrick Pickle has reported the Vale to the European Community Of Cheese,
He’s complaining about the 7,000 bananas who nearly drowned on the ‘salty seas’.
The ECOC are investigating this report,
following several pictures they’ve received.
They know that Patrick hates the Cheese People,
and so are not sure if he can be believed.
So they’re investigating this possible complaint,
to find out what happened on the water.
They’re very concerned with what they’ve heard,
about a possible Banana slaughter.
Hospital crew get released.
The 2 crew with flu,
have stopped going to the loo,
and went home earlier today.
They’ve totally recovered,
have gone home to be mothered,
and have 2 weeks off, on full pay!
Lorry driver arrested goes to court.
The lorry driver arrested for dangerous driving will be sentenced later today.
He’s looking shocked and pale,
at the thought of going to jail,
and his solicitor said he was full of regret.
But if you overtake on a white line,
and commit such a crime,
then this is what you have to expect.
When we get to the court,
we’ll have a full report,
and update you on all the events.
Outside there’s a big crowd,
shouting quite loud,
and things are going to be tense!
Update 1 PM Friday.
We have just had this report,
in from the court,
where you can still hear the sound of loud cheers.
He’s been given a £2,000 fine,
40 hours community time,
and banned from driving lorries for 3 years.
