Blogs

Monday 22nd June 2009. Station closure
The station at Wensleydale Well, needs a new bell,
so will be closed until Friday.
Please take a bus instead, number two coloured red,
there'll only be a small delay.

Everything else is just fine, all the trains are on time,
and some carriages have leather.
The tracks have been checked, to reduce the effect,
of wear, tear and bad weather.

Tuesday 23rd June 2009. Stilton hotel
The Stilton hotel, is doing very well,
and is fully booked most nights.
Business guests, people well dressed,
and tourists visiting local sights.

The rooms are clean, go grab some steam,
the gym is extremely well equipped.
Visit the lounge bar, listen to some guitar,
there are many cocktails to be sipped.

Wednesday 24th June 2009. Stocks recovering
The Chee-C index is rising, which is quite surprising,
as confidence is still low.
People are spending less, businesses are under stress,
and shop sales are slow.

Houses are not selling and there's no telling,
when confidence will return.
Banks aren't lending and people aren't spending,
they're saving all they earn.

Thursday 25th June 2009. River Rind award
The river Rind, is one of a kind,
and it has just won a prize.
Like a natural stream, it’s very clean,
which is amazing for its size.

The water creatures, and other features,
make it a very unique place.
It has a natural charm, like soothing balm,
it'll put a smile on your face.

Friday 26th June 2009. Station opens
The station has a new bell, it's working very well,
and all was completed on time.
Some building materials remain, but it's open again,
now with a wonderful chime.

The bell is called 'Annabella', it's gold and yellow,
and is as heavy as a big truck.
It took six months to make, has not one mistake,
and will bring the station luck.

Monday 27^th April 2009

Pickle disease

This warning is not fake, there's been an outbreak,

of a very dangerous disease.

Many Pickles are unwell, sore eyes, that can swell,

and it's passed on with ease.

 

With symptoms much like flu, all that you can do,

is to rest and remain inside.

Have lots to drink, check for spots coloured pink,

luckily so far no one has died.

 

Tuesday 28^th April 2009

Quarantine

Those who are infected, have now been selected,

to remain in a quarantine.

They must go indoors, seal all windows and doors,

and Keep everything clean.

 

All visitors are banned, so please understand,

and leave these people alone.

They must recuperate, visits will have to wait,

please let them rest at home.

 

Wednesday 29^th April 2009

Doctors stretched

Rushed off their feet, non emergencies will keep,

as Doctor's prioritise the ill.

All beds are taken, with patients’ sick and shaken,

waiting to get a special pill.

 

The nurses are so tired, they have to be admired,

for working thirty six hours straight.

The sacrifice they're making, all giving not taking,

they are truly amazing, just great.

 

Thursday 30^th April 2009

Mozzarella helps out

Mozzarella Mike, has volunteered his bike,

to transport blood and supplies.

He's never been so kind, what's on his mind,

this is an unexpected surprise.

 

Even Freddie Feta, is trying to feel better,

by helping out where he can.

He's trying not to complain, or to be a pain,

well that is his original plan.

 

Friday 1^st May 2009

May day

It's the first of May, what a wonderful day,

time to dance round the pole.

To do your own thing, to dance and sing,

and to feel alive in your soul.

 

It's time to celebrate growing, loving, knowing,

and appreciate what you've got.

To show you care, to give what you have spare,

because many don't have a lot. 

Monday 23^rd February 2009

New helicopters

To improve medical chances, two helicopter ambulances,

have been ordered for the vale.

They cost ten million each, were financially out of reach,

but now they are on special sale.

 

They will help people survive, will keep people alive,

and can provide speedy treatment.

Quickly getting to the scene, they are efficient and clean,

so this will be money well spent.

 

Tuesday 24^th February 2009

A practice

Before the money was invested, the helicopters were tested,

to see if they could do what was required.

They were perfect in every way, reliable throughout the day,

it was just the crew who were so tired.

 

Flying up, over, in between, quickly reaching the accident scene,

there to help those in times of need.

Flying fast, hovering slow, going where other vehicles can’t go,

what a good buy, people are agreed.

  

Wednesday 25^th February 2009

Live!

Pilots, calm, focused, steady, the helicopters are now ready,

within one minute they can be in the air.

Full of fuel and medical supplies, waiting to fly into the skies,

satellite navigation ensuring they get there.

 

Successful in their trials, they can cover four hundred miles,

and carry twelve people inside.

Using turbo power, they travel at two hundred miles an hour,

and provide a comfortable ride.

 

Thursday 26^th February 2009

First flight

Eleven twenty six is the time, someone calls nine, nine, nine,

help is needed, someone may die.

A helicopter whirrs into action, metal blades start making traction,

as it begins to rise into the sky,

 

The sick casualty is collected, injuries worse than expected,

luckily the crew got there just in time.

The casualty is safely on board, wasting time they can’t afford,

but they’re sure that he will be fine.

 

Friday 27^th February 2009

The crew

The brave helicopter crew, it's amazing what they do,

often risking their own lives.

They are very brave, care about the people they save,

ensuring each patient survives.

 

They’re in good physical condition, don’t want recognition,

and do it because they like helping others

They are totally dedicated, are well trained and educated,

and treat everyone like sisters and brothers.

Monday 17^th November 2008

Monday blues

If you have the blues, here's some news,

to brighten up your day.

You can grab a coffee, completely free,

down at the Cotswold café.

 

Between nine and four, walk through the door,

and mention the word Gazette.

Have a quick think, choose your coffee drink,

and decide which table to get.

 

Tuesday 18^th November 2008

Mozzarella on the track

He quick, he's fast, he's difficult to get past,

and races on the very edge.

On corner number three, he just missed a tree,

and he just clipped a hedge.

 

Leaning low on each bend, if he wins it'll depend,

on his ability to control his nerves.

He took one corner wide, had to swallow his pride,

slowing due to back end swerves.

 

Wednesday 19^th November 2008

Chi-C index grows

The economy is booming and people are assuming,

it will always be this way.

Just take extra care and keep some cash spare,

in case of a rainy day.

 

Stocks can shrink, may not do what you think,

and can be unstable and volatile.

You won't always win, may lose what you put in,

and may need to leave them a while.

 

Thursday 20^th November 2008

Open day

They are opening the school, also the swimming pool,

so pop in and look around.

Meet the teachers for a chat, ask them this or that, 

and walk around the ground.

 

Take an example test, try to beat the best,

the paper will be marked straight away.

Do better than your daughter or son, it's just for fun,

so please visit us today.

 

Friday 21^st November 2008

Weekend weather

There will be a gigantic storm, stronger than the norm,

with winds of eighty miles an hour.

More than just a breeze, it will uproot trees,

amazing easily and with great power.

 

Shut your windows and doors, secure things to your floors,

and put away things outside.

Shut your shed, wear a crash helmet on your head,

and go under the bed to hide.

 

Monday 10^th November 2008

Bees still around

Bumble bees, vanish when it starts to freeze,

but this weekend they were still flying.

This is weird, they have normally disappeared,

they leave the Vale and start dying.

 

They hate the cold, don't live to be old,

they like it quite warm and hot.

Their wings need to fold, difficult when cold,

this year it looks like they forgot.

 

 

Tuesday 11^th November 2008

Ice skating begins

Everyone's been waiting, to start ice skating,

well now you don't have to wait.

The ice is very thick and exceedingly quick,

so the skating is absolutely great.

 

So glide on the ice, for a very good price,

it's great fun and keeps you fit.

You can hire ice skates, bring your mates,

there's a café and a place to sit.

 

 

Wednesday 12^th November 2008

Stilton hotel profits rise

The Stilton hotel, is performing well,

and customer satisfaction is high.

Business is strong, nothing is wrong,

and the staff are the reason why.

 

Food cooked to perfection, a great selection,

tasty and well laid out.

The best food around, the finest to be found,

of that there is no doubt.

 

 

Thursday 13^th November 2008

Mozzarella Mike to race his bike

 

In January next year, this man with little fear,

is being sponsored by the Wensleydale Gazette.

In the Mozzarella Motor Sports team, was his dream,

so he's training to be the best he can get.

 

Every day on the track, it's tough on his back,

but he's determined to be the best.

With just seven weeks, to improve his techniques,

he's training and getting lots of rest.

 

Friday 14^th November 2008

Weekend environmental show

You've just got to go, to this amazing show,

if you're interested in the environment.

It costs to get in, but from then on you win, as

you'll save all the money you've spent.

 

There are emission free cars, guided by the stars,

and fuel that's made from old skin.

There are cars made from plastic, bouncy and elastic,

and light because they're very thin.

Monday 3^rd November 2008

Tickets to China

 

I've just been told, all but six tickets have been sold,

there has been lots and lots of interest.

From Professor to Coal Miner, they want to go to China,

this trip will be one of the best.

 

Monteray has been before, he'll lead the adventure tour,

he's an expert in the Asian continent.

Carrying your home on your back, in a waterproof rucksack,

plus a sleeping bag and tent.

 

Tuesday 4^th November 2008

Tom Geante releases his new film

 

Tom is a spy, working with the FBI,

he has to stop a chemical weapon from being used.

 

Set in the Middle East, a story about an evil beast,

money and power being abused.

 

Tom is under cover, pretending to his lover,

that their marriage will go ahead.

The daughter of an evil boss, he's with her because,

she has access to the warhead.

 

Wednesday 5^th November 2008

Bonfire night

 

At six tonight, they'll set the bonfire alight,

and then they'll start the displays.

With three shows, bring your warm clothes,

the sights and sounds will amaze.

 

A bonfire will light the sky, rockets will race high,

as they race towards the moon.

Then they'll explode loud, filling the air with cloud,

louder than a sonic boom.

 

Thursday 6^th November 2008

A successful night

 

Bonfire night came and went, without a single accident,

this has never happened before.

Just one person with a sprain, causing some pain,

because he shut his hand in his door.

 

Every animal stayed at home, sad to be on their own,

but they were safe and secure.

They felt little stress, the night was a success,

we'll do the same next year for sure.

 

 

Friday 7^th November 2008

First frost

 

This morning you will have found, frost on the ground,

it really was quite cold.

A chilly breeze, the ground starting to freeze,

and all gloves have been sold.

 

There's thin ice on the lake, be careful when you brake,

you may slip and slide.

Wear shoes with good grip, otherwise you might slip,

and hurt more than your pride.

The comical compendium of credit crunch jargon is a humorous look at alternative financial terms as a result of the Credit Crunch Crisis. The book contains over 100 pages in A to Z format with the real meaning and an alternative humorous meaning - Just what the doctor ordered and guaranteed to give you a giggle.

Available as an ebook HERE for just £4.95 (immediate download available)

(Hard copy to follow in 2 weeks)

 

Here are some examples from the book
 

Baby bond

A bond with a maturity or face value of less than a certain amount

 

Alternative meaning

An investment that will grow to be a pain for the next twenty years and ends up costing you more and more

 

 

Due diligence

The internal audit of a target firm by the acquiring firm

 

Alternative meaning

Diligence that was due but arrived too late

 

 

Flip side

In the context of general equities it is the opposite side to a proposition or position (to buy if sell is the proposition and vice versa)

 

Alternative meaning

When the only alternative or option is to work in a burger bar

 

 

Gross earnings

A person's total taxable income prior to adjustments

 

Alternative meaning

The generic name given to executive salaries, incomes and bonuses

 

 

Hedge fund

A fund that employs a variety of techniques to enhance returns, such as both buying and shorting stocks, according to a valuation model

 

Alternative meaning

A fund where the value of its assets are worth less than the gardens and plants of the investors within the fund

 

 

Junk bond

Junk or high-yield bonds that offer investors higher yields than bonds of more financially sound companies

 

Alternative meaning

A bond whose average return is flat like the bottom of the Chinese boat with that same name

 

 

LIBOR

London Interbank Offered Rate

 

Alternative meaning

Ludicrous Interest Banks Ordinarily Request

 

 

Market jitters

When a particular financial market becomes nervous about the current situation and often responds wildly to the smallest changes in sentiment

 

Alternative meaning

An investment condition where ones needs to visit the toilet on a frequent basis

 

 

Mystery shopper

A person hired by a market research firm or a manufacturer to visit retail stores, posing as a casual shopper to collect information

 

Alternative meaning

That hard to get customer during a recession

 

 

Par

The nominal or face value printed on a security

 

Alternative meaning

The act of leaving work early to play golf

 

 

Relative value

The attractiveness measured in terms of risk, liquidity and return of one instrument relative to another

 

Alternative meaning

The assets and future income available from parents and relatives

 

 

Stakeholders

All parties that have an interest, financial or otherwise, in a project or company

 

Alternative meaning

Groups of shareholders with wooden stakes in their hands who are out to get the blood sucking financial vampires who took their money

 

 

Stripped bond

Bond that can be subdivided into a series of zero coupon bonds

 

Alternative meaning

Assets that are invested in adult clubs and bars

 

 

Taxable event

An event or transaction that has a tax consequence, such as the sale of an asset that is subject to capital gains taxes

 

Alternative meaning

Everything that you do from the moment you wake up in the morning

 

 

Ex dividend (XD)

The stock is trading with no dividend

 

Alternative meaning

The money that is agreed and paid to an ex partner or spouse in settlement of a relationship dispute

 

You can purchase this 100 page book here

Copyright Derek Owen 2008

 

Monday 27^th October 2008

A new week again

 

Today is Monday, farewell Sunday,

the weekend has come to and end.

Time flying by, I don't know why,

there's never enough of it to spend.

 

Five days to go, these pass quite slow,

but at the weekend time whizzes by.

Close the office door, it’s not long before

I'm changing back into a suit and tie.

---

Tuesday 28th October 2008

Bridge trouble

A huge truck has gone and got stuck,

and it cannot move at all.

The bridge was low, he didn't know,

now he's stuck against a wall.

 

This time, there was no warning sign,

it was missing, disappeared.

Thinking it was ok, he drove this way,

and then the bridge appeared.

---

Wednesday 29^th October 2008

Bridge update

 

The fire crew, are doing all they can do,

to cut the vehicle free.

Using powerful saws, cutting the floors,

how long it'll take, we'll see.

 

Travelling by train, will be a pain,

the line over the bridge is cracked.

They have the name, of who to blame,

and this person will be sacked.

 

The truck has been moved, traffic has improved,

and the track is repaired.

The driver of the lorry, he's faultless and sorry,

so his job will be spared.

 

---

Thursday 30^th October 2008

Firework preparations

 

There's an organised event, a large food tent,

and tickets are completely free.

With a two hour display, at the end of the day,

it's the safest place to be.

 

So get yourself along, nothing can go wrong,

it’s safe and it's all prepared.

Keep pets at home, its better they're alone,

and they'll be a lot less scared.

 

---

Friday 31^st October 2008

An adventure to China

 

Monteray Jack, is travelling to China and back,

an adventure lasting for four weeks.

With room for twenty and adventure that's plenty,

it's not the place for geeks.

 

You have to be strong, cope with things going wrong,

and be able to live off the land.

You'll live out of a rucksack, there will be no going back,

this you have to understand.

 

On 1st of December, a day to remember,

the boat will set sail.

To book your place, go to Monty's place,
say Bon voyage to the Vale.

Monday 20^th October 2008

River pollution

 

The river fish, have one wish,

they have a special dream.

That vital day, they can say,

our water is totally clean.

 

No more dumping or pumping,

chemicals into the water.

It's causing misery, on every,

adult, son and daughter.

 

---

Tuesday 21^st October 2008

Pollution plan

 

Dumping will be a crime, punishable by time,

in a correctional institution.

Pumping the same, we will name and shame,

to stop chemical pollution.

 

Every river and stream, must be clean,

because fish provide nutrition.

No excuse, we'll stop chemical abuse,

this is our number one mission.

---

Wednesday 22^nd October 2008

Airport fire

 

We have a report, of a fire at the airport,

it's a major emergency.

A serious alert, not sure how many hurt,

we'll have to wait and see.

 

Police, fire brigade, mechanics, first aid,

hundreds of specialist crew.

It's happening so fast, the impact is vast,

we'll constantly update you.

 

---

Thursday 23^rd October 2008
Airport fire update

 

The fire at the airport, is not as serious as thought,

but every plane has been grounded.

With damage to all floors, they’re unsure of the cause,
everyone is totally dumbfounded.

 

It doesn’t make sense, the fire was so intense,

and the sprinklers didn't activate.

The fire doors stuck and it was just pure luck,

that they were able to open the gate.

 

Everyone got away, they'll live another day,

just a few with cuts and bruises.

they're looking for clues, things they can use,

and think it's to do with the fuses.

 

This search and seek will take a week,

by a small team of eight.

Covering an inch an hour, every crack they'll scour,

working until late.

---

Friday 25^th October 2008

Weekend events

There is a weekend shoot in

Port Salute.

You can hunt the snail all over Wensleydale.

Get a high score throwing darts in Roquefort.

Watch people getting redder, dating in Cheddar.

Monday 13^th October 2008

Kite week

 

A simple triangle, don't get in a tangle,

it can be difficult to repair.

Attached by string, gliding, floating,

soaring high in the air.

 

Kites of every size, high in the skies,

sometimes blocking the sun.

String held tight, launched into flight,

their journey just begun.

 

All week, kite fans will meet,

to show off their kites.

Every day, an amazing display,

of unbelievable sights.

 

---

Tuesday 14^th October 2008

WMW recall

 

If you own this make, you need to take,

it back to be inspected.

They need it for a day, to check it's ok,

and see what is affected. 

 

The electric steering, causes sharp veering,

of the car when it brakes.

Very dangerous indeed, especially at speed, 

or when it overtakes. 

---

Wednesday 15^th October 2008

A new fuel is discovered

 

A new fuel is born, it comes from your lawn,

grass can be used for power.

One bucket you'll find, when it's been refined,

gives energy for up to an hour.

 

It's environmentally green, natural and clean,

very easy to collect and store.

Just a few seeds to sow, it's simple to grow,

why wasn't this thought of before.

 

---

Thursday 16^th October 2008

WMW recall deadline

 

Please remember, you have until December,

to get your car checked out.

It's totally free, is important for your safety,

and removes any worry or doubt.

 

Whilst you're there, you can borrow a spare,

which is also completely free.

So please book your car in, it's a win, win,

and important for the cars history.

 

---

Friday 17^th October 2008

Kite competition

 

How high, can your kite fly,

a mile or maybe two.

Three at a time, on one line,

what else can you do.

 

Loop the loop, dive, swoop,

spinning around and around.

Head to the moon, turn, zoom,

diving towards the ground.